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Season of Love: Getting Back To Basics

Writer's picture: Sarah DudleySarah Dudley

It's February, which means love is in the air...isn't it?


Most of us could probably agree that tensions have been a little high in the past few weeks as the country adjusts to some significant changes. Emotions are charged, arguments ensue, divisions increase, and even some relationships dissolve. Perhaps this February, we can turn our focus onto love of each other - brotherly love, neighborly love, countrymen love, worldly love.


I'm sure you're familiar with the following adages that we've heard recited throughout our lives. First, the "'Golden Rule': Treat others the way you would want to be treated." Second, the commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself." While these sayings are similar, there is a notable difference.


When looking at the "Golden Rule", we are instructed to treat others the way we would want to be treated. That seems clear enough - be kind and courteous, treat people with respect, act fairly and generously, show forgiveness and compassion, offer encouragement and support. Lift others up, and show them LOVE. While the instructions are simple, I know this is not always easy. Maybe we don't know how to bridge the gap enough to apply this rule. Maybe we have too many differences, too much anger, too much judgement or resentment that are creating obstacles that our hearts are struggling to overcome.


A useful tool when in these situations is an exercise in empathy that I call "perspective swapping". Similar to role play, when we perception swap, we put ourselves in another person's shoes. But we can't just put them on, we have to travel on their journey with sincerity for a bit to get a better picture. Where did they come from? How did they get there? What experiences have they encountered along their journey? What challenges have they faced? How is trauma they may have endured affecting their lives? What are their fears? What is most important to them? How is their journey different than ours? How is it the same? Upon learning about their journey, can we see why they feel the way they do about certain topics? Can we better understand why they may have certain reactions, feelings, and priorities?


When we choose to sincerely practice seeing the world from another's perspective, oftentimes our hearts begin to soften. Surprisingly, we realize that just because we may not agree on something, doesn't mean we don't at least partly understand where they are coming from, or why they feel the way they do based on their viewpoints, values, and life experiences. And suddenly, applying that "Golden Rule" begins to feel possible. We're able to find enough love in our hearts to treat someone they way we would want to be treated, if the roles were reversed - the very essence of "perception swapping." And as a result, that bridge begins to grow, and the gap become smaller. And maybe we can start to nurture more collaboration, more compromise, and work together to find a middle-ground where we can all find peace.


Next, let's flip the script a bit as we further examine the commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself." While at first read, it may seem to simply follow the same premise as the "Golden Rule" above; however, there is also another understated key to this instruction - "as yourself." Still, you may be thinking, "How is that different that treating others the way you'd want to be treated?" Well, what obeying this statement implies is that you would be providing the same level or amount of care, consideration, respect, thoughtfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and LOVE to others that you do for yourself. But if we remember our grammar lessons, that simile indicator of "as" means that the statement should be reversible. So let's flip it around - "love yourself as your neighbor." Whoa. Did things just get real for you?


Most of us tend to have less trouble spending time, energy, effort, and even money on others. We easily prioritize the needs, wants, care, and well-being of our loved ones over ourselves, to the point of a complete deficit for ourselves. But why is it so easy for us to so effortlessly discard or deemphasize our own needs? Why do we give ourselves permission to devalue ourselves so carelessly? We would never let that happen to our children, or spouse, or friends. What example are we showing them about self-worth, by not investing in our own?


The love we share with others has to start from within ourselves. Using the analogy of the airplane oxygen masks - instructions are to place the mask on ourselves before we assist others. If we were to try to place the oxygen on others first, we could pass out before the job was complete. In that case, not only did we not help ourselves, but we didn't help our loved one either. Let's say we did manage to get the mask on our loved one before we passed out. Mission accomplished right? As long as they're ok. Well, define "ok." Because you've probably created a situation for your loved one where they are left unattended or unable to care for themselves, or perhaps now the focus has had to shift to getting you help for the state you're in. Most likely, this is exactly what you were trying to avoid. The best way we can provide the best care and most love for others, is to sort ourselves out first.


We cannot truly love others to the fullest extent, if we do not love ourselves first. Simply stated, we cannot pour from an empty cup. Make a commitment to yourself to start finding ways to fill your cup. Take that yoga class...and then another one, enroll in a course you're interested in, get back to a hobby you enjoy, make time for self-care, treat yourself to something "extra", spend time with people you love, spend time with just yourself, get plenty of rest, eat nutritious foods, eat delicious foods, get that yearly check-up, laugh, relax, meditate, journal, exercise (in a way you enjoy), strive for work/life balance, strive for self/others balance. Once we are filled to the brim with self-love, only then will it start to spill over for others. Then when we love our neighbors, we truly will be loving them as ourselves.


This February, remember what it means to truly love. Love others, even when it's hard. Love yourself, first and foremost. If we can do those things, we can see miracles start to happen - in our own lives and perhaps even the world.





"All you need is love." - John Lennon


"[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13: 7-8



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